Billy Goes to Heaven, Part 1

Something was wrong. I was either having a strange dream or I was not in my bed anymore. I opened my eyes to see that my bedroom ceiling had been replaced by the open sky. I jumped up to find I had been sleeping in a grassy field in an unidentified countryside. It was rather generic; mountains, trees in the distance; no buildings.
“How the hell did I get here? Who kidnapped me? Why?” I thought to myself.
“Questions, questions.” A voice declared from behind me.
I jumped about a foot off the ground and spun around to see a very small man – a little person with slightly bowed legs and very stubby fingers. He was wearing rough tan leather with uneven fringes and an odd little cap. The overall effect was slightly Robin Hoodish and a little preposterous.
“What, what did you say? How did you know what I was thinking?” It all spilled out of me in a stream.
“Questions, questions – always with the questions.” He said with a little smile. “First, a question for you. What did you eat before you went to bed last night?”
“What did I eat last night?” It seemed a very silly thing to ask. “Well, I had a Polish style pizza with kielbasa slices, sour kraut, sliced pepperoccinis and havarti cheese.”
He tilted his head slightly, “And a few chocolate sprinkles?”
“Well, yes, a few chocolate sprinkles.” I wondered how he knew.
“You are a very sick man, you know.” He said. “If you eat that unlikely combination of foods before going to bed, you will end up in heaven for awhile. It’s a glitch in the universe that I haven’t ironed out yet.” He shook his head.
“What do you mean you haven’t ironed it out yet? Who are you? This was getting crazier and crazier.
“Well,” he looked straight into my eyes, “I am God”.
I assumed the slack-jawed glazed-eye look.
“You are God? But you are just a little guy.”
He shook his head again and rolled his eyes. “Oh God, you humans are so dense sometimes. What exactly did you expect? The Wizard of OZ?”
“Well, something a bit more incredible, uh, amazing, uh . . .”
“Dramatic?” He said finishing my sentence.
“Yes, dramatic.” I brightened.
“OK,” He said, “How about this?”
And with that he disappeared right in front of my eyes with an audible “pop”. I then heard a low rumble in the distance and looked up to see boiling, black clouds rolling around the distant hills toward me. In moments the wind picked up as lightening and thunder shot out of the rapidly advancing turmoil. It moved at amazing speed and in moments I was fighting to keep my footing in the howling storm. A huge, ominous voice came from all around me, “How’s this?” it boomed.
I was hanging on to a tree and was beginning to worry.
“Is this dramatic enough?” the voice howled.
“Ok, ok I believe you. Please stop,” I cried
Instantly the storm was gone. I fell to the ground. The little man was sitting in the same spot as before. I tried to catch my breath.
“Humans only respond to Cecil B. DeMille,” he said.
“So you’re telling me you are God? The one, great God?"
“Something like that. It can get complicated but, yes, I am He of whom you speak.”
“That’s fantastic.” My mind raced. “Can I ask you some questions?”
“Well, I saw that coming.” His eyes rolled slightly. “Go for it.”
“Well, uh, I mean, ah, what’s the answer to the universe?” I figured I’d better go for the big one while I have the chance.
“What’s the answer?” He looked a little surprised. “I thought you would ask the question before you get an answer.”
“Well, I mean, what’s it all for?” I pressed.
“For awhile. Look, as a sentient being, I can’t just sit around twiddling my thumbs for eternity. If you do nothing, you’re dead. I desired complexity. So, I did this,” He motioned his arms around at our surroundings. “this and everything else; atoms, people, fungus, planets, cremuloids, meteors. . .”
“Cremuloids?” I blurted.
“That’s another story.” He said. “Hey.” He said, brightening, “Would you like to see the rest of heaven?”
“Of course.” I answered and we began to walk.